Mamata's Letter to Manmohan ji & His Response

Respected Hon. Mr Prime Minister Monmohan Singh ji,

I write this letter in great deestress. Ufff, it waas a bhery bad experience flying to America. You hab to sack Profullo ji. There was no maach and bhaat, I mean eelish in bitter curd bhapoed in shorshe and hot rice. I had to suffer eating pao bhaji all the way to New York. And then in Kayniidii airport I was in a state of shock! I was eel treated. Monmohon ji, I am caarten that Sitaram and Buddho tried to jaypordise my trip to Harbard Univarcity. As soon as I entered the airport, i was whiskied, i mean whisked away without being friksed. They did even ask to remoe my hawai chotti!!! The hawai chotti company is bhery upset and has decided to sue airport officers because of no brand visibility. I haab decided to go on dhorna in front of American Ambessy and not eat anything. I will proob to peepol of Bengal and India how Buddho and Sitaram work with the Americans. I am resolved to fast unto death.

Yours little sister

Mamata

PM's reply

Dear Mamamta ji,

Thank you for your undated letter. I am pained to see that you had to undergo such pain in the hands of such painful people. I know I know how distraught you must be for not being able to reveal Paragon Hawai Chappals.

As for your allegations, I have forwarded the letter to the Cabinet Secretary to forward the same to the Empowered Group of Ministers to debate whether we should go for a PAC or JPC probe. JPC will be a good option for that will reveal your nexus with BJP and NDA. My humble request please do not go for fast unto death. We have too much of cereals rotting, please help finish them. Also the last time you went on fast unto death, bengal did not lose you but lost Nano. I do not want to lose America at this juncture.

Jai hind

MMS

Taslima Talisman

Taslima Talisman

Are we a tolerant society? If I am to go by the recent events of Kolkata, it is unlikely that we can profess to be anything but tolerant. Historically, Kolkata has been a city sensitive to communal riots and calling –in the army earlier this month once again proved that bongs love to create upheaval without any cause. The very essence of secularism is limited to political pursuits of leaders whose myopic views have succeeded in creating a communal mess in urban India. I was left bewildered to fathom what threat could Taslima pose to the civil society by residing in Kolkata! Ironically the government saw in her a threat to peace considering it was hand-in-glove with the mayhem and murder of democracy in Nandigram. So now we have a feminist writer being pushed and shoved in various guest houses for her and the society’s security. Add to it the demand by the ultra right RSS to make Taslima a bonafide citizen of India. RSS seems to have mixed their religion….come-on when we have the trumpeted secular party of India CPI (M) branding Taslima as threat to peace, how can any other party think otherwise, least of all the RSS. Prakash Karat should have publicly admonished the RSS chief for committing treason. I will not be surprised if CPI (M) includes Taslima bashing during their debate on the utterly unclear Nuclear debate in parliament! The (pseudo) intellectual Chief Minister of Bengal can now pen a play “Taslimar Bonbash” eulogizing the ceremonial banish of Taslima from Bengal. Am I a bong? Yes I am, but ashamed to say so because I belong to a state that is being led by fascists.

News from the capital

Winter is descending thick and fast in Delhi. Men, women and even dogs have starting sporting winter wear in all hues of colour. With it has arrived the fabled shordi (cold) and jor (fever) for the true bongs. A walk around CR Park gives a feeling of being in Switzerland. Resplendent in their monkey caps and mufflers, the bongs have started strolling to their favourite hangout – macher bajar (fish market) to buy the prized catch.

Teenagers, young ladies and old aunties are all making a beeline to the nearest movie theatre to catch a glimpse of SRK’s six pack ab in OSO. Well, I think he resembled murgiwalas from Park Circus and Kidderpore areas of Kolkata. While Deepika Padukone was sensuous, my dear old Rekha took the cake and ate it too…she is sizzling and oozes the oomph factor that is certainly amiss amongst the new breed heroines. Between OSO and Goal, I would pick the latter not merely because of Bips but the movie is a shade better than OSO.

Does a PR agency need an agency to manage its image? If the media decides to pin-down a PR agency, other agencies with competency in crisis management and reputation management should start pitching. Believe you me, the account can be quite lucrative and also you can proudly say in your agency’s credentials “We also service Communication Experts maintain Desirable Reputation.”

I am Back

It has been quite a while since my last blog. Of-course I am hearty at this ripe age with heart attacks and joint pains still at bay. It’s just that I was caught up and didn’t have the author-like frame of mind. Thank you for missing me, all my beautiful angels….wonder what I would have done without you all around (in different shapes & sizes!). Much water has flowed under the bridge since my last blog and I was absolutely thrilled to find that somewhat of a “comment war” had started between individuals in the forum.

Where do I start from? Ever wondered what diamonds can do to a lady? She is stunning, carries herself with élan and she makes heads turn. No stupid, I am not talking about a beautiful lady; rather I am talking about the DIAMONDS. At a recent do in Bombay, a dear old (in every sense) friend turned up sporting glittering diamond ear-rings (almost like boulders), GAS jeans and sexy top. She did manage to look quite a siren in the dim environment but that was enough for another lady from the Capital to turn green, orange and purple. No no no not out of jealousy (that is an inherent quality and integral part of women’s existence) but out of being left high & dry by Miss (rather Dame) Bombay. Grapevine has it that Bombay gave a royal ignorance to Delhi even when Delhi (apparently) twisted her ankle. The fact was, D was so upset that while dancing tried to trip B but somehow her own fat feet got entangled and she twisted while performing a twist! But alls well that ends well…D did not fracture her ankle and B got back home happy.

I was hunted down by HUNTER friend literally. Usually she hunts me to find a head for her client, but this time around she was in a fix. She wants to buy birthday gifts (NOT FOR ME) and wanted to know stores (read luxury brands) where she can find certain stuff. I did try to promote Hidesign and DaMilano….but they are INDIAN brands and I was snubbed down. So I did mention about some of my favourite brands like Dunhill, Hugo & Aigner. After slapping (over the phone) me for sending her to these stores, madam found her way to DaMilano. Why don’t women listen at the first go!

By the way my producer friend’s life is happening. Her in&out relationship with a murgi-wala from Park Circus seems to be finally over. To celebrate the momentary break-up, she headed to Puri to pull the chariot of Lord Jagannath. But what caught the attention of all the Puri-walas was not her pulling of the roth (that she did with her little finger, though some eye-witnesses say people thought she want to powder her nose! Rustics) but her Dimple Kapadia like coming out of the sea. Whao…I can picture thee, honey! Apparently she ha become darker than the nulias. Hope she regains her complexion before shifting to Bombay where is she bound to meet murgi-wala from Park Circus.

Talking about holidays, riot and curfew became the order of the dayin Shillong post a not-so-original page 3 celebrity’s visit. She insisted on donning attires that is suitable in civilised African tribal societies. So much so, I am told that her hubby and daughter decided to stay in another hotel and IGNORE her completely. So whats doing the round these days are morphed photographs of a family holiday! Don’t believe what you see…I am not visible in any of the pics!

Ok friends, before I sign off some news in nutshell:
Friend from 9th floor is AVOIDING both head hunter & me. His ever so confused state of mind has become more perplexed with complexities about life & JOB

A leading PR agency in the capital has ordered for a specially designed chair so that a SWIFT can fit in

Not being able to accept rustic & un-lady like behaviour, my lady in the States had her mother over there to bring her back to civility. Now I hear the sister has gone. I can assure both the entities that it’s a waste of time. She can actually make a Bihar out of Japan. Good going sweetheart…I will be always your loyal MISTER (SOCKS!!!)

Tea, Coffee & Fashion

Tea, Coffee & Fashion

Dahlings, I am back after a long hiatus. With the mercury rising and the power department adding to the woes of increasing heat, I feel the Information & Broadcasting Minister was sensible to ban Fashion TV. Understandably the bikini-clad women are too hot to be handled in this sultry weather and such shows should be aired only during the winter months. Did the I&B Minister mention that fTV is the cause of rising rapes in the country? Dear me, this could have been a pertinent point and an ace up his sleeve! Basically when you go to Goa the next time, be ready to see women walking sensuously in wet saris with the curves well defined and visible. Don’t complain it is not vulgar. As long as you are not bikini-clad, you are sati-savitri Indian. As long as men do not leer at the sexy ring dangling from the naval but whistles for being well endowed that protrudes from behind the wet sari, it’s cool…dude. I think the Govt. of India is planning to start midnight session of the parliament and fearing that attendance will be minimal if Midnight Fashion is on air, the I&B Ministry in consultation with Parliamentary Affairs Ministry took this truly commendable decision. Co-incidentally the I&B Minister and the Parliamentary Affairs Minister happens to be the same person. As it is most of our public servants need a walking stick, imagine them walking to with TWO STICKS!

Talking about Goa, Micky’s Angles were recently seen on the various beaches of state. There are varied feedback on their shady activities but it is noteworthy that no FIRE was created as two of the Angels stayed in different rooms….though there was or still is an ongoing RAPID FIRE round between the two of them. The third Angel was spotted DRUNK in her cycling shorts and enjoyed the unstinted attention that she received from all the men around. So much so for being my loyal Angel. Another one did some shopping there and picked up USED, WORN T Shirts and I believe she rinsed those in Dettol before bartering them for utensils.

Karan Johar has successfully chained most of us in front of the television sets on Sunday evenings. Forget the rapid-fire rounds or the candid confessions; what I like most about the show is the introductory kissing in the air. With women, Karan’s goes moah moah with his butts jutting out and minimal physical contact. But with men, hmmmm……and he insists about their sexual orientation. Hey friends, I think Star World will be the next victim of the I&B Ministry for airing Fashion House….it’s a HHOOOOOOOOTTT series. Watch it, if you have not.

Recently I went to Tabula Rasa for dinner. An amazing place to hang around, the flip side were we three. My 9th floor friend – the gracious host, maintained a stoic silence while Ms. Headhunter tried her best, despite being under the weather, to strike up a conversation. Ofcourse, the two of us are NOT fighting hence stop working your brain overtime, Mr. Loudon Street. He is in major quandary these days; well that’s nothing new. He wants to shift to Gurgaon but cannot decide, wants to switch job but cannot, wants a girl-friend but the gym is too far, wants to visit a strip club in Bangkok but the passport office is yet to smile on him. My dear friend what will you do if everything fell in place? You will be again confused!

Love and baby (maybe) is in the air. And that too in exotic international locales. I was squashed with interesting anecdotes from Japan and Spain. My friends do live in style. If they are not successful with their overtures in the country, they decide to sort it out abroad and that too in exotic places wearing exotic outfits. I wish I could share the photographs in this public domain (though many argue that THIS is very PRIVATE)! But alas discretion is better than be sorry. Cheers to the two most beautiful ladies in my life …may one be blessed with Dushomlok and the other may find the peace between ONNAY & OTTACHAR.

I cannot sign off without taking a dig at my former work place. Can you beat it, they unashamedly signed and received my debit card on March 28 and are yet to inform me to take delivery? I guess integrity is not always integral with certain agencies!

The Week That Was

The Week That Was

I was doing a round of the malls and retail outlets last week and came to the conclusion that men’s innerwear is still miles behind women’s. It is true that now we have more choices than in the past, when chaddi & frenchie were the order of the day. The horrific frenchie advertisement, “dreaming about me” swept the nation and men started wearing the liberated form of underwear. While women’s lingerie and negligee have always been a major ‘turn-on’ factor for men, unfortunately it is not vice-versa. Come on think about it, you get some amazing and kinky stuff at Victoria’s Secret, is there anything remotely close to that for men? Yeah yeah I know you want to talk about the CKs, Tommys and Lacostes of the world, but are they any close to VS stuff? No wonder, women do not get a kick about men’s innerwear, while we drool at the very thought of edible chocolate panty. Moreover, to sport CK or Tommy, one needs the physique and the less we speak about it, the better. The memorable moment for us was when jockey introduced the bikini cut for men….that was very comfortable. Speaking about comfort, I think men prefer innerwear that is more comfortable rather than the brand. But mind you, all you men out there, if you are not comfortable you-know-where, it will reflect rather soberly on your facial expression. And please do not be caught with that expression either in public or in private. Staying with men’s underwear, a friend of mine had told me that the West Side underwear is very comfortable and especially during Mumbai’s hot summer and monsoons. Now, you do not want me to explicitly explain the nuances of S&M (oh you dirty minds, its not what you think it to be, it stands for summer and monsoon) comfort!

Saw three interesting movies during the weekend…of-course the entire world must have watched these movies months back. You see I am fast becoming slow…in every aspect. Started off with The Devil Wears Prada and those of you who have not watched it, please grab the cd / dvd and watch it. Its witty, hilarious and Meryl Streep is simply at her best…in doing such bitchy roles. Man everytime I look at her or at Judy Dench, something starts happening to me…older women, I guess! My next movie was Anwar,. Brilliant script and concept with all round dull, boring, pathetic acting. Manisha Koirala can act but her brother…it was like watching SRK in a demure manner. The last one was The Break-Up….I indeed need to go through a relation before passing any comment on the movie. Watch it if you are going through a bad relation at this moment. It will make dumping each other pretty simple and neat.

I had to undergo the torture of Filmfare Awards last night. Those of you missed it, consider yourself to be extremely lucky. The over-rated SRK should realise that he is PATHETIC as an anchor and should limit his histrionics and idiosyncrasies to his bathroom. The actors who performed were soulless…maybe FilmFare did not amply compensate them. Then one had to go through the family saga of the Bachchans and their newly found to-be daughter-in-law and how loving, caring, blah blah blah that she is. Hopefully this time around, Abhishek will be lucky and Ash will not decide to marry a “long lost childhood friend” like un-charismatic Karisma. Of-course she was also there, anaemic looking and chaperoning her sister. It was a good platform to do personal relations. Nobody seemed to be enjoying the show and I don’t blame them, with SRK as the anchor! And what weird clothes he was wearing…absolutely jhuggi-jhopri type. Quite like FP3

Got to rush...not to the toilet. keep reading and sad MONDAY

Long Weekend

Last week was rather fascinating. It started with a meeting with Shyam Benegal and ending with nice weekend trip. Uncle Shyam was in Delhi for the screening of his documentary “Lost Childhood” that traces child labour in India. Since NDTV had interviewed him, I was up and about watching Night Out and Raat baki and it was both audio and visual treat. Priya Sachdev was talking to the reporter during the launch of a jewellery line and she spoke in an amazing Punju-Brit-Yankee accent. Her lip movement was minimal and of-course it looked like she is going through major constipation problem that could be deciphered by the way she spoke. And friends, you should have heard her pronounce “YET”!!! I could not stop laughing. The event had a full dose of air-kissing with ladies resplendent in their minimal clothing. So much so, that they had to take good care of walking or bending….otherwise the moral police of the I&B ministry would have definitely banned Night Out.

My 9th flor friend & I decided to travel to Shimla for the long weekend. Our friends termed it as a good bonding time and the weekend trip was elevated to the pedestal of honeymoon. Now let me make one thing very clear, while I do not suffer from homophobia at the same time I am NOT GAY. When women go out on weekend trips or holidays, they are not termed lesbians, or are they? Anyway, coming back to the trip. So we set out for our sojourn to Shimla on Friday morning. Anticipating an eleven hour long bus journey, I decided to pop not one but TWO Imodiums. Believe me, my friends, two imodiums can do wonder to your stomach….almost unbreakable seal!!! To make matters worse, both of us chickened out of the long bus journey and decided to go to my favourite city Jaipur.

I always loved the city and as my friend put it, “a city of organised chaos”. Of-course we landed in trouble the moment we reached Jaipur. All the hotels seemed to be overbooked, the roads were filled with tourists and even in that milieu you could spot the monkey cap and muffler clad bongs! They are everywhere…from the public toilets to the sophisticated restaurants, you just cannot ignore the breed. Mind you, the weather in Jaipur was extremely pleasant, but muffler and monkey cap…NO WAY. And there we were, two bongs with out bags filled with woollen clothes! If the cops stopped us and wanted to check our luggage, he would have definitely referred us to a mental asylum.

Cannibalism

Cannibalism

With the gruesome Nithara case unfolding by the minute, a question has been tormenting me for the last few days. Do we, humans, have cannibalistic attitude? The answer may not be simple but the desire to bite into flesh has a different taste. Not so long ago, I underwent the rude treatment of being bitten. Yes, BITTEN. And that started the great biting journey. Every morning when I entered office, there was group of friends who welcomed each other, biting. The high point was to make a CLOCK / WATCH in the place where bitten. The only rule was, the person being bitten could not scream…even under I-AM-DYING in pain. My fair sex colleague was pulled up by her senior and was asked to maintain “dignity & decorum”, but that did not deter us for too long from staying without biting. Though I did not get a chance to bite Ms. Dignity & Decorum, as I was mortally scared to lose my YOU-KNOW-WHAT, the biting sessions continued. One day, my fair sex friend bit me real hard which reminded me of my annoprasaner bhat (the first morsel of rice that is fed). I was looking for a chance to pounce on her and I succeeded, or so I thought. She was standing and listening attentively, when I snaked my way through and took the flesh between my teeth and pressed. There was a loud shriek and I, while holding on to my feast, kept wondering as to why she was shrieking when she was supposed to be quiet. I raised my eyebrow to have a mocking look at the painful face and the instant reaction was to let go off the prized possession. I had attacked a DIFFERENT lady! Like Tom (cat), I could feel my tail coiling and in lightning speed was out of the room. What a shame! I seriously did not want to bite her. It was all because of my fair-sex friend that I got into trouble. My other colleagues confirmed that my PREY was genuinely hurt and they thought she would probably file sexual abuse case against me. Thankfully she did not. Hey Sundari, I am really sorry. You are too pretty to be bitten. Ah oh…my other fair sex friends that do not mean you all are HOMELY. But Sundari is SUNDARI.

Sunday was Pulse Polio Day. 2 boondh zindai ka. Two of my friends were given the dose. My ex bong colleague took her daughter, Ms. Sweet, to the centre accompanied by her husband. In her exuberance, she forgot about the daughter and took the dose herself. When I met her an hour later, she looked like drunken Jerry. I have never seen her so quiet and subdued. I am sure her husband would loooooooovvvvvvvvvvveeeee to give her some more doses. My other friend, whose family is aware of her histrionics, was escorted in a more sophisticated. Initially I was under the impression that she was being taken for a drive. I did see her holding ice-cream…20 minutes later that was I SCREAM. But both my friends are looking healthy, wealthy and Unwise.

Of-course Sunday was also the day when my fashionable head-hunter friend decided to sun-bathe and sip her coffee. She quite forgot that we are in Delhi. By the time we decided between American Diner or Big Chill (khan market…idiots. There’s a terrace there), we had taken a chukker (NOT POLO) of the Rashtrapati bhawan. My JUVENILE friend from 9th floor wanted to have French fries, so we decided to go to BC. But, ha ha ha, neither was there French fries nor the Sun. But hats off to my 9th floor friend, even in this chilly winter and despite having a maid and a washing machine at his disposal, he washes clothes (ahem!) himself. Man of steel, I must say. Lucky will be his wife, but the only problem will arise when he wants to dry the washed linen. Hopefully not in public. Speaking about his marriage prospect, I think it will not be a bad idea to arrange for a meeting between Ms. Dignity & Decorum and him.

Oh before I forget, last Saturday there was a gay mela in Big Chill…my friend & I spotted three. And who says Indians are not open minded!